My last day off maternityleave... Ever...

The day finally came. With a bittersweet feeling I've soon done my last day as a stay-at-home-mum. And since H and me don't plan to have more children it feels a bit sad that it's probably the last day ever... Anyway I didn't weep any tears for that, I embraced this rainy day and did a lot of fun and important stuff.

I've collected my bib for tomorrows race (for you who missed it I'm running a 10K race tomorrow, the biggest race for women in Sweden). I'm number 7686 of 32 073 competing women. I'm not only doing this for myself. During tomorrows race a lot off woman are going to ware a pink bracelet to mark the discrimination that girls in developing countries still are victim off. Did you know that girls more often are malnourished compared to boys? It's more common that girls don't finish elementary school and they're more often under the threat of being married off as children. "Plans" girl campaign has as their goal that four million girls are going to finish elementary school. That girls get education is a important step to reduce poverty in society and that we can illuminate this by running is awesome. Tomorrow I'm not only running for me but also for the girls!

As a little treat I also got a 20 minutes pedicure for a very reasonable price, something that my feet really needed and it was kind of a nice ending to the "era of maternity leave"...

Wish me luck tomorrow!

5 years.

Yesterday it was five years ago H's and my love story began. It was a beautiful August day and I went up with my sister and a few friends to Stockholm to see a concert with The Police. At the time I was living in Karlskoga, a small town in Värmland, I recently ended a 7,5 year long relationship and I had no intention to find the big love (why is it like that, when you really want to meet somebody you don't and when you have no desire to meet anyone it just happens?). I just wanted to have a good time with my friends and was looking forward to go to the concert.

It was in the break it happened. My sister crashed into a guy and he said "Pardon mademoiselle" in perfect French. My sister, that's a married women, quickly answered "I'm actually madame to you". She told me about it and we laughed. After the concert, that was really good by the way, we ended up in a pub. It was this perfect evening. Everyone was in a good mood, the sun was shining and the night was young. And I think you can guess who also was in the same pub? My sister pointed him out explaining that that was that French Canadian guy that she bumped into at the concert. I wanted to try my old school french and went over to H and his friend. I say as the Swedish king said (about when he and the Queen met) "Det sa bara klick" ("It just said click").

Yesterday we went here to celebrate our five years together. We ate excellent sashimi, dumplings and other treats from Asia. In a cozy blue atmosphere we talked about our memories and our future plans and it felt quite amazing sitting here 5 years after the concert; 2 children later, 2 big moves over continents and still feel like it was only yesterday we met...

 Beautiful H

 For once I had my glasses and it was quite nice to see things clearly

Hashimi

Dumplings and other treats

My girls at the daycare.

They have absolutely no interest to leave this place...

No sleep.

For a month or so Andréa's been sleeping bad again. And since she started daycare it's been more than bad. This night she woke up more than once every hour during the whole night. Then you might think she would sleep in but noooooooo, she woke up for the day before 6 am. H and me are two wrecks and Andréa's tired and whiny.

On Saturday it's time for my summergoal and on Monday I'm starting to work. I could have gotten a better upload... I just have to keep in mind that time do change and there's bound to be some time for recuperation because the last three years hasn't had a lot of that.

Exactly three years ago today, ready to pop! As I recall it I didn't get much sleep back then either...

The dentist for two.

I think I mentioned before that I don't exactly love going the dentist. But today it was time, Lovisa's first time ever and my first time for over two years. Lovisa's been nagging me for weeks "I want to go to the dentist" so she was more than happy to go. And she was such a little pro when she was laying in the huge chair, opening her mouth big and wide. After she was more than happy when she, on top of getting examined, got a balloon and a goodiebag (without candies of course). When it was my turn she held my hand and asked time after another "are you OK mum?".

 Outside the dentist, before the visit, excited and filled with anticipation

After the visit Lovisa wanted me to take a picture off her and her teeth, very proud indeed!

I think I just might bring Lovisa with me from now on, it was so much more fun going with her...

Supper with friends from Montreal.

Yesterday we took the metro to visit dear friends from Montreal. They're a Swedish family that lived in Montreal when we lived there and now they're living in Stockholm. It was a nice reunion with lots of laughs and memories. It's funny but it feels like we knew them for years but it's actually not even three years ago that we got to know each other. It's just so many things that are different today than three years ago...

Lots of talk about missing Montreal and Canada...

On the metro on our way home around 11 pm I looked around on all the young people, on their way out to a club or a pub, most of them a bit tipsy and everyone filled with expectations about what the night would have to offer them and all I could think was thank god I don't need to be there, having to play the game hoping to find some love. I just felt very happy to go home with my little family.

Wishlist from a soon to be three-year-old.

When I asked Lovisa what she wants for her birthday the answer was fast and without hesitation:

1. Ludde (her best friend at daycare and I believe he's also her first love)
2. A cake
3. An umbrella with "spöket Laban" (a Swedish childfriendly ghost)

It's nice when you actually can fulfill your child's wishes, I have a feeling it's going to be a bit more tricky in the future...

Wonderful UFO:s.

When we moved to Canada almost 3 years ago I had just become a mother for the first time. Lovisa was 7 weeks when we flew over the Atlantic ocean to begin our new life in the big country "over there". I was overwhelmed by being a mother, I felt omitted to this little baby that was totally dependent on me. Leaving family, friends and the life I knew behind made me even more vulnerable and the first months in Canada I was on the edge of a depression. Feeling lonely with H working a lot I tried my best to figure out how to be as a mother and at the same time trying to discover the new country and city that was my home.

Lovisa and me, the first winter in Canada 2009

My own place where my emotions could  run free, where I found comfort and advice I discovered here, a forum on the internet which had a group where Swedish parents living or had lived abroad gathered to talk about life's little and big issues. Here I could be honest about how hard I found my new life, how alone I was as a new mum and how depressed I felt. The parents there understood and most of them had been in a similar situation. I don't exaggerate when I say that it's partly because of these wonderful "UFO:s" (=utlandsforaldrar) that I survived the first months in Canada without breaking down completely.

One of the most amazing things about this group is that we also meet in real life. I have the impression that many internet based forums becomes only that, a forum were you can be deadly honest and sometimes well outspoken because you know that you're never going to meet these people in real life. But UFO:s exists in real life too. One of them lived in Montreal at the time and when she found out how lonely I was she came to see me. She took the bus in the middle of the cold winter to see a person that she never met and hardly knew anything about. We had lunch, talked and later she introduced me to the Swedish choir in Montreal. She's another great thing with UFO:s, they tend to stay in your live and become a part of it.

And yesterday when I had my first day without my girls I went on a lunch date with UFO:s from all around the world that happened to be in Stockholm. We discussed small and big issues, mostly about our children but also work, health, happiness and of course cultural differences between our countries.

To all of you UFO:s out there - you mean a lot to me and you make a difference.

Second one is off!

Yesterday was the first day that Andréa spent alone at the daycare. "Schooling in" is over. And she had a great day - she played, ate and slept but more importantly she was happy. After lunch she apparently walked in to the room where they nap, lied down herself on her little madras and fell asleep after a little while - unbelievable! So at the daycare she's better off without me.

When I went to get the girls they where really happy to see me and we went to the park and played a bit. It's fantastic how much easier everything is when I get a little break from them, I'm more patient, calmer and have so much more energy to play with them, explain the same thing 10 times and solve conflicts.

After the park we went home and started to fix supper and then my father and his wife came over to spend the evening with us. They brought homemade applesauce and Andréa got her very first doll - Emma. We couldn't have had a happier ending to this big day.

Morfar is the best

She knows me so well.

Lovisa painted her mum. That's what it said on the little drawing that was hanging on Lovisas shelf at the daycare. And once again I'm surprised over how well she knows me.

It's exactly how I feel...

The unvarnished truth.

I've been thinking a lot about the things we choose to share with other people in cyberspace. It's a lot of blogging out there. And I have to say I'm pretty fed up with these perfect blogposts about beautiful days in the sun, everyone smiling looking like models. It's a bit the same with facebook updates. It's all so bloody perfect and people doesn't seem to be doing anything else but eating fancy suppers with the perfect company  and it's no end of all the praise we give each other over good deeds and things we do. I'm no better myself. I often written things, especially on facebook, to get positive response to something I've done.

I'm thinking that the real life, the life here and now, is so much more than just blog posts and facebook updates. Real life is hard, ugly and often rainy. It's diseases, poverty, fights, depressions and bulimia. I want to strike a blow to all of you out there: be honest, share failures equally to success because it's when life is hard that you need cheering, not the other way around. And I think that common people would like to read more about real life, not the polished and perfect exterior of it.

We can start by looking at our children, they're always forgiving and willing to love you even if you're ugly, poor or just plain stupid. For them it's no truth but the unvarnished one and for them that's the most amazing and beautiful thing ever. That's pretty marvelous.

A pile of shit.

It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I feel like I got hit by a truck. Swollen, puffy eyes, a cold from hell, tired so tired and tomorrow I'm suppose to attend daycare with Andréa for the last day of "schooling in". My suspicion is that one of the little toddlers over there gave me this very nasty cold. I look funny, totally swollen under and over my eyes and my facial skin is red and irritated from my new cleansing products. I've been swollen since Thursday so I don't know if it's because of the cold (the cold hit me yesterday) or if it's the new face products I'm using. In that case I'm really disappointed because they costed me a minor fortune. Either way, I look like a freak and feel like a pile of shit. H thinks it's time for me to go see a doctor.

The girls are doing fine but they've also been a bit tired this weekend, probably from starting daycare again. Andréa seems to be feeling at home already and Friday she napped over 2 hours, totally knocked out on the floor together with her new friends. So cute.

Sleeping good at the daycare...

Exhaling.

I'm sitting here eating an evening snack after half-an-hour burnout on the machine from hell. Trying to decompress a bit after Andréa's first day at daycare. In Sweden it's a tradition that one of the parents are together with the child the first days at the daycare, we call it "schooling in". I don't know how common this is in other countries but in Quebec it's not very common. When Lovisa started her private daycare there I left her to her pedagogue outside at the doorstep, kissed her goodbye and cried a bit on the way home. It went very well and it was never a problem for Lovisa to settle in. Actually, I think "schooling in" is more for us concerned parents than for our children (but of course it's also necessary for some children with special needs and/or children that are very dependent on their parents).

Anyway, if you count out the fact that Andréa hardly ate anything all day and that she got a scrape on her forehead things went very well. She played, slept and seemed to be generally satisfied with her new environment.

Look out!

By the way my face looks much better today, thank god, so I didn't need to explain myself to the other parents and the staff... I'm not going to bother you with a new face picture just yet but it'll come in a week or so. Now - shower!

No I don't have bubonic plague...

But I wouldn't be surprised if people were thinking just that after my facial cleansing today, my god did my skin therapist squeeze and empty my pores from a lot of goo. But if you're going to look better and have healthier skin you apparently have to look like shit before getting there...

My skin therapist warned me that it really would hurt -"some people say it hurts more than giving birth"- being her exact words. My skin therapist obviously never gave birth, I actually enjoyed laying there for one hour knowing no toddler would come jumping on my stomach or scream in my ear... I just hope I look a little bit more sane tomorrow, better get my beauty sleep now...

One is off!

Lovisa was so excited this morning. I just had to mention the word "daycare" and she woke up with a smile. She packed her little backpack after having an non-existent breakfast and off we went.

Packing to go to daycare

She had a great day and it was a relief for me not to argue with her every 10th minute (because that's how it's been like the past week or so) but it felt really good when she ran into my arms this afternoon. 

On the go again.

Couldn't stop myself, I went out for a 6 km run. Slow - yes but the feeling was good. My ankle hurts a bit now, I admit that, but far from the pain I had one week ago and it's not very swollen. So my lazy days are over and even if I'm still taking it easy with the running for another week or so I got my hands on this ugly thing:

With a lot of good music in my Ipod I have no excuse to be in bad shape! Go, go, go!!!

Surprise!

I think the funniest and best weekends are the ones you don't plan for. This past weekend was one of them. We rented a car, booked a B&B and went to my hometown. It was totally unplanned and my mother and grandmother didn't know about it so we really surprised them. 

 Four generations

We also squeezed in a visit to beautiful Örebro, the city I worked and lived in when I met H. Here we had a lot of fun, romantic suppers, evening strolls and adventures... Oh, sweet memories...

Now it's Monday morning and a big week lies ahead. Lovisa's starting daycare tomorrow and Andréa on Thursday. My three week long vacation with the girls is coming to an end and it's about time if you ask me...

I hate swimming!

Just to do something instead of running I dragged my ass to the indoor swimmingpool yesterday evening. It's ironic we never went since it only takes two minutes to walk there. Once again I got a remainder that I don't like to swim indoor with a bunch of people I don't know. It's boring, it's slow and I always get irritated on people swimming very slow. It's a hassle to go around them and shame on you if you by mistake touch somebody's leg when you try to swim pass them... But it's good for you and very gentle on all your joints and wrists. The best thing with swimming is definitely when it's over and you can stretch out in the sauna, then it's all worth it!

Today is another boring day and the rain is hanging in the air. I realized early that it's not an option to stay in so we defied the weather gods and went out for a few hours before lunch. It's true what we say in Sweden: "det finns inget dåligt väder, bara dåliga kläder" ("there's no bad weather, only bad clothes" - sounds better in Swedish since it rhyme). The girls love the wet, muddy daub to their poor mothers big disappointment.

More misery.

Lovisa has a mild case of oral candidos in her mouth, I have my foot in bandage, Andréa has a cold and outside the rain is poring down. After the girls nap I'm taking them out to the local cafe so we'll do at least one positive thing together today.

 Lovisa collapsed on the sofa after lunch, she usually doesn't nap anymore but we're all tired - of each other, the rain, our ailments...

 If nothing funny happens real soon I'm resigning!

Feeling a bit down...

I went back to the store where I bought my shoes to talk to them about my hurting, swollen ankle but they really didn't think it was because of the shoes. And to be honest I don't think so either. I recall I did a little stumble when I was running downhill in the forest so I might have sprained my ankle. How long time does that take to heal?

I'm feeling a bit down because it affects everything I do. I have to run after the girls, take them to the park otherwise they'll tear down the apartment for sure , I have to bend down, carry them, lift them and all this hurts right now. And I don't really have a good alternative to running to stay in shape... Any ideas?

Cheapy...

I love almost everything Marimekko designs. It's something about the patterns, colors and simplicity that really appeals to me. The problem is that I would go broke if I would buy products from there. And since we're living in a business apartment I shouldn't really bye any interior decoration items at all. That's why I was very pleased to find a cheap oilcloth with a pattern looking almost as one of my favorites from Marimekko, in the gift shop around the corner. Perfect when you have two messy toddlers and pretty nice for being cheap don't you think?

Ouch!

It was a little bit to good to be true. My running has become a habit and I've been increasing the intensity and duration. Felt really good until this weekend when I started to have a bit of a pain around my left external ankle. Now the pain has increased and it's now hurting good around both ankles and it's a little bit swollen. So I'm afraid it's rest and "Voltaren" that's the new thing for this week. So incredibly boring! I hope it's just overtraining and not my new running shoes that I was so happy about. Less than one month left to my summer goal...

No lazy Sunday!

We woke up early (like always, is it only our children that doesn't realize the beauty of sleeping in?), ate breakfast, packed a picnic and took off for the park. Once there the girls played, Lovisa loves the little paddling pool and Andréa likes to chase the birds. We ate, Andréa slept a bit, I needed to pee for two hours (the only toilet was out of order) and after a little snack we had to bribe Lovisa with a cookie to get her to leave the park (another thing I never thought I would do as a parent but it bloody works!).

At the park

At home we put the girls in front of the TV while I ran to the store and H started the laundry. I came back, sweaty and swearing, with a big backpack and 4 bags of groceries. Felt a sudden urge to get rid of all the dirt and sand that covered the floors so I vacuumed the whole flat. By now the girls got tired of the TV and thought it was more fun to chase the vacuum cleaner and pull out the plug. I don't understand where they got that sense of humor, so bloody irritating! We fixed a fast supper, ate and went to the park that's just across the street to really exhaust the girls before bedtime. Back home half-hour later we gave them a bath, they were so dirty the water turned brown. I went out for a 10 km run and H continued with the laundry.

Just to write about all the things we did today makes me weak..  Now I'm going to watch the 100 meter final for men in the Olympics. That's just for how long I can stay focused right now - around 10 seconds.

A fresh start.

I so much want a fresh start this fall. It feels like I'm standing before a great change in my life, the children are slowly getting bigger and I'm going back to work. I want to reach out from my maternity bubble and feel how it's like on the other side. I think you know what I mean when I say that - I want to feel good about myself, not only as a mother.

That's why I force myself, at least two times a week, to go out and run. Today was terrible, I was dead tired after a bad night (both me and Andréa had trouble sleeping) and it was one of the hottest days this summer, but I did it! And today I went to see a esthetician for the first time in my life. I've had problems with my skin for many years but never really got around to do anything proper about it. She looked at me with big eyes when I told her I never did skin treatments or consulted a esthetician before. I bought new make up products and now I'm sitting here with newly painted toenails. Maybe the last summer color for this season. All these little things make me feel a bit more like a woman and not only a good mother. And that feels bloody great.

The panic is building up...

It's Friday morning and it's raining outside. I already feel the panic building up inside, what are we going to do all day if this continue... To stimulate two toddlers inside a relatively small apartment is completely impossible. I know it's just a matter of time before Lovisa goes manic and I loose it. On top of this H is going out for a supper tonight, that means I'll be alone with the girls the whole day and the whole evening...

I'm not the typical "playmum" that crawls around on the floor, building a hut under the table or play horse with them for hours. I'm the mum that cuddles, sings songs, read a book but most of all take care of all the practical stuff like arranging their clothes, cooking, cleaning, making their beds and maybe bakes a cake together with them. And for this I feel a bit like a looser. I know we're all different as parents and that has pros and cons. But on a rainy day like this I wish I was more of a "playmum"...

Words from a soon to be three year old.

We're at the park by the swings when Lovisa starts a conversation with another dad who's swinging his son:

Lovisa: "Hello, my name is Pippi Longstocking. I'm 2 years old and have a vagina. My dad has a penis. A big one.

The dad: OK, yes, hmm, that's usually the case... I mean that dads have a penis.

I was standing a few meters away, eagerly swinging Andréa, keeping my mouth shut.