Breakfast alone.

When everyone else was sound asleep I got up before 6 am to take my shower and eat my breakfast. And even though it feels a bit hard to work when most people are off, it's kind of cozy and nice. You have the time to talk to your colleagues and in the diningroom at work there are big boxes with chocolate waiting for us poor working people. On top off this the supper was on the table when I stepped through the door yesterday. Nice...

Merry Christmas! God Jul! Joyeux Noël!

Christmas Eve finally came. For a three year old a few days is like an eternity when you're waiting for Santa. And even though Lovisa right away came to the conclusion that it was "morfar" ("granddad") that was Santa, the happiness was total.

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Christmas spikes.

I bought a Christmas gift to myself - spikes for my running shoes. Now I don't have any excuse not to go out for a run. And today I did, 6,3 hard and snowy kilometers but it felt so good. Now I've just enjoyed a well earned meal: ovenbaked ham, mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts, red beat salad and red wine. I'm on the go again!

Oh tannenbaum...

My truthful three year old...

The girls brought home a bunch of homemade Christmas ornaments from daycare. They're all pretty ugly and cheap looking but in the same time the most beautiful little treats for a mother to see!

The candle holder to the right is made by Lovisa and I enthusiastically asked her if the white stuff around it is snow. She gave me the looks and answered "No mum, it's plain paper".

I'm not working 9 to 5!

Today I worked from 07:30 am to 07:30 pm. Just because I'm so tired and stressed I thought I had a 12 hour working day to really burn myself out... And how boring it is to come home from work and everyone is asleep! I've just eaten my supper alone and written 10 Christmas cards to people that really deserves them. Now I'm going to throw this poor body of mine in bed... Where are you Christmas spirit?

Christmas burn out.

Less than one week to Christmas Eve and I haven't bought one single Christmas gift, I haven't cooked or baked anything to prepare for our traditionally "smörgåsbord", I haven't sent one Christmas card, I haven't bought our Christmas tree, I haven't prepared for my lecture on Wednesday, I haven't got time to work extra Wednesday evening even though I promised to and I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR CHRISTMAS RIGHT NOW!!! Thank god my dad and Lena came by tonight so at least the girls got their Christmas manicure...

Now, where's the bloody joyful and peaceful Christmas spirit?

Alternative transportation

It's not the stroller that takes my girls to and from daycare right now.

And since it's dark from 3 pm here reflexes are a must!

St Lucia.

With tear filled eyes, freezing temperature and a lot of saffron and gingerbread I wish you all a happy St Lucia. I took the whole day off to be able to participate in Andréas celebration at 08:30 am and Lovisas celebration (outside - brrrrr!) at 2 pm. Wonderful tradition!

Home relaxing after singing and celebrating at the daycare!

If you want to see a beautiful, traditional Swedish St Lucia celebration check this out, takes my breath away.

Jet-lag...

H went up in the middle of the night, took his shower and started to make breakfast. I woke up just in time to convince him it was sleeping time and not eating time... The girls seem tired and more whiny than usual, hard to get to sleep and hard to get up in the morning. I feel like going in hibernation and wake up around March next year... We're all bloody jet-lagged.

Tonight it was extra needed to have a nice supper together with my colleagues...

He's finally home.

While waiting for H...

We made these "chocolate balls" with ginger, cardamom and cinnamon rolled in crushed almonds...

Trying to endure.

Today I cried because I couldn't find one of Andréa's mittens. An ordinary day I would just take another one and don't bother to much about her having two non matching mittens but today I just broke down. Two days completely alone with the girls, most of the time inside the apartment, has made it's mark. Besides crying over a lost mitten we baked around 50 saffron buns. Flour all over the kitchen and a very upset Andréa that I forbid to participate in the end because she couldn't stop eating the dough. Then H called and announced that he's not coming around lunchtime tomorrow as I thought, but just before supper time which right in that moment felt like he was going to come a whole day later... Almost...

Lovisa liked to make them round with lots of raisins...

Now I will try to endure the last night alone by cleaning up our usual mess, folding clean clothes while sipping on a glass of red whine. Wohoooo!!!

It's getting harder...

It's getting harder and harder to cope alone with the girls. I guess it's because I know that it's only two days left before H is returning. Today I was home with both girls and we had a good day although I've been yelling far to much for far to small reasons. I tried to keep ourselves busy with outings, singing, dancing, snacking, cooking and washing but I find that I'm way to impatient now. I apologized to Lovisa for yelling at her when I put her to bed and then she apologized for not listening. For a three year old she do understands a lot!

I find it helps me a lot to have strict routines with the girls. It's even more important when I'm alone and I think it helps the girls to feel more secure too.

The Friday dance after supper is mandatory

But now we're out of maple syrup, I'm so exhausted and we all miss H enormously. Two weeks is a bit to long...

What is French toast without Maple syrup? 

Like our family without H - the essential is missing...

Before and after.

On top of this I'm simultaneously hand washing clothes that happened to be soaked in pee (including my slippers) in the bathtub. Now, tea and chocolate - because I'm bloody worth it.

I'm happy...

I'm happy that somebody is using this. It's almost comical that I actually thought I would be doing a bit of exercise while H is gone. The truth is that when the girls go to bed I have to pick up the pieces and prepare for tomorrow and then I collapse...

I'm also very happy and thankful that my dad and his wife offered to stay with the girls tomorrow so I can work. Yes, it looks like Lovisa has the "hand, foot and mouth disease" as well...

Snow chaos and "hand, foot and mouth disease".

Today Stockholm is paralyzed by a snowstorm. The traffic is chaos, all my patients were late and everyone is in a state of chock. After all, it wasn't that long ago we had our summer shoes and sunhats on... Of course today of all days the daycare called me just before lunch and announced that Andréa has "hand, foot and mouth disease". And what is that you might wonder? It's a virus, like a cold, that gives your child blisters, usually on the hands, feet and in/around the mouth. Three hours after the call we're finally home. You can't be stressed in a snowstorm in Stockholm.

 You can hardly see the daycare from the metro station because of all the snow...

 Even my ugly work looked wintry this morning...

View from our window. It's good to be inside...

Now it's just to wait for the blisters and the storm to go away. No stress...

A break.

The girls are sleeping, the apartment fairly tidy and instead of writing about my crazy day I thought a little survey would be nice. I borrowed it from Kajsa.

Height: 171 cm.
Weight: 57 kg give or take.
Haircolor: Natural blonde (and yes, we do have more fun).
Eyecolor: blue.
Freckles: Not anymore. I had a few as a child but unfortunately they grew away.
The best part of my body: My legs. They take me wherever I want to go and they rarely complain. They can run pretty far if needed.
The worst part of my body: My right shoulder that had the annoying habit of dislocating several times. That's the worst pain I ever felt, way worse than any labor pain...
Scars: A few small ones from cuts, wounds and chicken pox.
Tattoos: Oh no.
Piercings: Oh no, no, no. Not even pierced ears.
Diseases: Is allergy a disease? For me it's a steady state...
Broken bones: My arm twice.
Phobia: To become overweight and fat. Silly maybe, but if the scale shows a few kilo more than usual I quickly loose it...
Obsessions: Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling that the girls are missing. I imagine that Lovisa left the apartment and is wandering around outside, totally unprotected. Of course I have to get up and check on them and once I'm convinced their sleeping tight in their beds I go back to sleep.
Fears: That something bad would happen to the girls. That somebody in my family, including me, becomes seriously ill. To be a failure to myself or to others.
Party trick: I used to be pretty eager to show my "shot a tealight" trick. When the tealight has burnt to liquid you hold it up for everyone to see, blow it out and pour all the candle-grease in your mouth in one shot. Now, here's the tricky part whatever you do, don't swollow it! You keep it in your mouth until it's firm again and then you form a round ball of the soft mass inside your mouth. Take it out and show everyone, it's usually a big success. I didn't do it much lately because I burnt myself when I shot a candle that was way to warm (had been burning for hours). I couldn't eat for days. The price you pay for being tipsy...
The best emotion: to be relaxed and content together with my family. To give and receive love.
The best physical emotion: for me it's almost holy and I'm trying to remember how it was to be totally rested. I also love the feeling of those amazing endorphins that kicks in after a good work out.

Christmas is cancelled.

Intense weekend to say the least. My sister and her daughter visited and with a 1,5 year old and two 3 year olds it's not a quite second! Sliding, baking, playing, laughing, fighting, eating, whining, cuddling, bathing and so much more. And all of a sudden it was Sunday and first Advent, my sister left and all the stars and lights had to be put up in the windows. I discovered I was all out of bulbs and now it's so freaking cold here the girls needed some warmer clothes and Lovisa needed warmer boots. So it was just to take the girls and go to the mall. After we got home and the first candle was lit, I was struggling to assemble one of the bloody stars and the F-word slipped out of me and Lovisa shouted out "Cristmas is cancelled!". Not quite yet but I'm already exhausted...

 Two 3 year olds hanging out...

 Andréa baking her first ginger bread cookie...

Part of the result is now hanging in our kitchen window...

Not quite the most peaceful first Advent I had but undoubtedly a very special one...

And you know what - today is halftime. In one week H is back...

My angels.

This evening's savior.

It can prohibit tantrums and outbreaks. The most simple laws of physics - that snow can melt.

Thanks!

Thank god for the snow! Makes our way to the daycare so much easier. OK, it takes more time to get there because Lovisa wants to stop every second meter to eat snow or make a snowball, but it's way better than a tantrum.

About grumpy old men and crying in public.

I lost it today. Well, not as bad as Lovisa but still, crying in the metro, in front of strangers, is not something I usually do. I picked up the girls and it was more of a hassle than usual. Lovisa was in the middle of playing and had no intention to leave her friends to go out and face the crappy, dark and cold November rain. However, after at least 30 minutes of trying to get her out of the daycare, I had both girls and the stroller with me on the the way to the metro. Lovisa made it as far as the doors to the metro station where she freaked out. For no obvious reason she refused to enter through the doors. She's stood in the middle of the entrance with her little umbrella and prohibited people to come in or out whereupon I was forced to carry her away from there. When I carried her away she got furious and started to scream. Throwing herself on the floor (and at this point I was already exhausted from the effort it took to get her out from the daycare), totally hysteric she was pounding her hands on the ground. People were starring and one old man, that was sitting on a bench, talking on his mobile phone, yelled at her out loud "Shout up!". Lovisa didn't even hear him but I did and I felt the panic and anger building up inside me. Couldn't he see that she's a three year old that right in this moment is struggling with herself? Then he turned to me and yelled "Could you please put a silencer on her!". And I'm not kidding - he really screamed. I felt the tears building up inside and I finally forcibly picked Lovisa up and somehow (I don't really know how) managed to get her and the stroller, were Andréa was sitting, through the barriers to get to the metro, while tears of anger ran down my cheeks. 

When we finally got home, after another fit, I was totally exhausted. Lovisa too. Thank god my mother was here and prepared supper. When I tucked Lovisa in tonight she looked at me seriosly and said "Sorry mum for screaming in the metro. And sorry for screaming while "monsieur" was on the phone." I kissed her and said "I love you so much. Everything is OK." In my head I was thinking: Screw you, grumpy old guy!

My mother and a glass of whine is just what I needed tonight.

A cake on her head.

At the girls daycare they're preparing for the yearly celebration of Saint Lucia the 13th of December. When we talked about it at home I wasn't quite prepared for Lovisa's reflection: "But why does she have a cake on her head?"...

We survived the first day...

After a poop catastrophe this morning, continuing with Lovisa being in her worst mood I think we got through this day with our sanity intact. I'm eating Novalucol and drinking Samarin and my stomach is not great but much better than yesterday. Now I'm going to prepare all the clothes and daycare items including my own workstuff and foodbox so tomorrow morning is going to be as smooth as possible. All you single parents out there - you are my heroes!

Bye H!

H is leaving early tomorrow morning and Lovisa doesn't want to stop cuddling with him. Suitable enough I have a weird stomach pain that doesn't want to let go so I've spent most of the day in horizontal mode. I really hope it's gone tomorrow or we're in for a painful and long couple of weeks...

A day with Lovisa.

After a terrible night when Lovisa woke up and was really sad a few times I decided to stay home with her. We went to the doctor to check out her little stomach and she was really happy to get my whole attention. And going to the doc's was quite the adventure...

They have nice toys there and the doctor was so funny with all her tools and strange machines... Even taking a blood sample was a piece of cake because Lovisa was so fascinated of everything... As I suspected everything turned out well, no ongoing infection and everything else seemed fine. Tonight she had a long bath, I cut her hair and painted her toenails. Now she's sleeping and I'm hoping for a better night... I think she really needed only me for a day. My little, big girl...

New hairdresser...

And a new haircut. About bloody time.

How to know...

How do you know if your three-year old just is defiant or if something is really wrong? Lovisa doesn't seem happy at all right know and it's hard to take. She's only happy short moments and in between it's whining, crying and screaming. A new thing she started with is to complain about stomach ache. Now, how do you really know if she's just trying to get attention or if she actually has a pain in her little belly? I don't know. She's usually pretty easy to divert when she has her terrible mood swings but lately it's been impossible. She doesn't eat properly, she's not content and she seems unhappy. A three-year old shouldn't be miserable! Or is it just her "terrible three" that we have to bare? Tonight I yelled at her numerous times and she gets really sad and then I get a bad conscious. You shouldn't scream at a three-year old but I just can't help myself sometimes. Now I've just carried a sleeping Lovisa to her bed, she woke up crying and whining, like she had a bad dream. I tried to comfort her but she pushed me away but in the same time she really needed me. Then she started complaining about her stomach again and finally she fell asleep in my arms totally exhausted  And in the back of my head I can't help thinking that on Sunday H is going to Canada for two whole weeks. God help us all...

The girls night saves my day.

This morning could have started better. Lovisa bled nose blood all over her pillow, I was late because I had to comfort her, I ran to the metro only to discover that I forgot my phone. Jumped off the metro at the next stop and had to wait 10 minutes to go back and get the stupid phone. Now I'm going to be so late for work. If I'm freaking out? Nope, I'm still living on my girlsnight yesterday evening with nice conversation with a good friend and the best paella I've eaten for a very long time...

My skin.

Remember this? Well, here's a follow up... All my adult life I've had a bit of problem skin. Not terrible skin but far from perfect. As a teenager my skin was OK, I hardly had no pimples but when I reached my twenties hell began. I have very sensitive skin, mixed type that can be both fat and dry (the older I get the drier it gets...) and I easily get black heads and small pimples. Frequent outbreaks on my chin is my landmark. You would think that after 2 kids and closing up to 35 years of age the pimples would be long gone but not for me! I've tried lots of products and I don't even want to think about how much money I've spent on my skin. I used Clinique's products for years and I honestly don't think it helped, only to empty my wallet I'm afraid... I also tried Mary Kay, Vichy and a number of other products. In August I just about had it and went to this place. They're suppose to be experts when it comes to problem skin and I followed their advise 100%. I did expensive pore cleansing, bought their costly products, put my mask on every second day and so on... But I have to say that it's not a big improvement. The only thing it might have done is making my skin even more dry, now it's so dry I feel wrinkled! So now I've decided to cancel my next appointment for pore cleansing and do something more fun with the money because god knows pore cleansing is not fun, just damned expensive.

Sitting here with my expensive mask, getting dry and wrinkled...

Did you find your "miracle" product yet? I'm in all ears...

Santa is coming!

Lovisa visited Santa at NK yesterday. Today she gave me the big news: "Santa is coming! He's old and nice. I told him I want a black duck with a red beak, a crocodile and a fish. That's enough!"

OK. Good to know...

Saturday fun...

It's no longer the pub, bar, disco and cab ride home early in the morning that's our Saturday fun. It's the mall and a ride on a horse/plane and a pancake lunch that makes our day.

"Terrible three's"...

Oh my god! Lovisa is sooooooo in her "terrible three's" right now. Every day it's several "outbreaks" when she looses it and gets hysteric. It can be the most ridiculous things, for example that I only have one banana and she has to share it with Andréa - hysteric fit! Or that she doesn't get the right glas to drink water from - hysteric fit! Or that I put rice on her plate but she wanted to put her own food on her plate - HYSTERIC FIT!!! The other day she was laying on the ground outside the daycare, screaming, hitting the ground and crying because she didn't get to choose which way we took to the metro, Andréa (that doesn't really want to sit in the stroller anymore) was already on her way to the metro and I was standing in the middle trying to convince Lovisa to come to her senses and come with us home and in the same time I was shouting to Andréa to wait for me. A dad and his son passed us and gave me an encouraging look and said "Been there, done that - you just hang in there!". I really hope that I'm going to hang in there because sometimes it certainly feels like I want to give up and also throw myself on the ground and just scream out my frustration...

She's a big girl and wants to do it her way...

I made it! Almost...

I ran to work this morning despite the fact that a very energetic 1,5 year old woke me up around 5 am. And after work I ran almost the whole way to daycare, took the metro the last kilometers to make it in time for picking up the rascals. 16 km run today - not bad!